Maritzia’s Thoughts

I was following a discussion on a mailing list to which I belong, and someone mentioned the power of our thoughts, not only over ourselves, but over our magic as well. I believe that our thoughts hold great power over us. They constantly affect not only us but the energy we send out into the world as witches. It is so important to practice discipline over out thoughts, to positively change the negative, the intolerant, and especially the self-abusive thoughts that can constantly run through our minds. Especially if you are from an abusive background, the litany of constant self-abuse that can run through our heads tends to affect every emotional response we have. It’s so important to learn to think for yourself rather than just let the tapes of other people’s opinions run your life and form your opinions. If you are consumed by negative self-thoughts, those thoughts will color every magickal act you make.

I know that Stuart Smiley of SNL fame has given affirmations a bad name, but they can be a great tool towards negating the negative self-image many of us had branded into our psyches while growing up. If you are constantly being battered internally by the words of others, take time every day to look youself in the eye in the mirror and repeat the good things about yourself, especially the things that negate the negative opinions in your head. Even if you don’t believe those things now, eventually just hearing them every day will make a difference. As they say in AA, fake it till you make it! Words have energy. Use them to help yourself!

Well, I’ve been quite neglectful of my little blog lately, haven’t I? I tend to go in fits and spurts with my writing, as I do in many things. It’s always been a character trait of mine, and one that annoyed my mother no end. I’ve found, though, in my reading, that those who are NF’s in the Myers-Briggs tend to work in this way and tend to work best in this manner. ST’s, though, of which my mother was an extreme, tend to work hard at one thing until it is finished and then move on to something else. Hence my workstyle driving her crazy. I spent a good deal of my life thinking I was quite lazy and had no internal drive or ambition until I started reading about the Myers Briggs types. Now I know that is the way I work best and try to honor that, although it can lead to serious procrastination if you don’t watch it, which is why my blog here has been unattended since February *laughs*.

So, what have I been up to you ask? Well, the short answer is working! The job has been very busy. We had our big fund raiser at the end of April, so I was working a lot of overtime for about 6 weeks before. The week of the fundraiser, I probably spent about 60 hours at work. And, of course, given my generally low energy levels, once I got home I pretty much did nothing else. For me, writing takes energy, and I just haven’t had it to spare these last 2 months. But, the fundraiser and all the work after is done (well, most of it, but what is left isn’t urgent and can be done over time), so I have more energy to devote to other pursuits. So, on with the writing.

First of all, for all those who have asked after my brother-in-law, I very much appreciate the concern. He had his surgery on February 13th and came through it quite well. His recovery was slow but steady and he is now back at work full time and doing well. The doctor has been caustiously optimistic, but thinks they got all of the cancer and there is no spread. He is stopping just short of saying it is benign, because…well…doctors are in general cautious people. But he believes there is unlikely to be a recurrence. Cliff required no radiation or chemo and has now been referred to the Cancer Clinic for regular followups over the next few years. Thanks again to all who showed concern and sent energy to Cliff for his surgery and recovery.

When ever I spend so much time working, I like to spend most of my off time with Mark, so we’ve been watching a lot of DVD’s over the last couple of months. It’s something we can do together that requires no real energy on my part. So, we went back and watched Farscape again (one of our favorites). We also got into Lost. We’ve watched it twice and are eagerly waiting for Season 3 to come out on DVD. Of course, we watched Battlestar Galactica while it was on. The 3rd season started a bit slow, but really picked up again in quality towards the end. Now we are watching the first season of Law and Order. It’s a show we have both always enjoyed, but I didn’t start watching it until later in the production, so I’ve actually not seen any of season 1.

I’ve also been back on my reading kick. I picked up a number of books when I went to help my sister after her surgery. I’ve read The Known World, The Memory Keeper’s Daughter, Wicked, and I’ve reread all the Harry Potter series in anticipation of the final novel coming out in July! I’m so excited!

I’m now reading Sacred Contracts by Carolyn Myss. I’m 3 chapters in, and I have to tell you that this book resonates with me and my beliefs like nothing has in a very long time. You’ll probably be reading more about it as I go through, because it is something that is really calling out to me.

On the writing front, I got a notice of a pagan short story competition with a June something deadline. I’ve got a story wandering around in my head, and I need to see if I can convince it to inhabit paper. I have no real anticipations that it will be good enough to win or even print, but having something like a contest always spurs me to write, since it’s something I tend to be lazy about. So, don’t let me get lazy! Stay on my back until I get it written and submitted.

Let’s see…what else have I been up to….Oh, of course, how could I forget! I’ve joined a campaign. I figure now that I have more energy, it’s time to put my money where my mouth is politically. I am officially endorsing and campaigning for Barack Obama and have joined the local campaign here in Bellingham.

Well, that’s about all that’s been going on with me. Anyone else doing anything interesting?

That is, one that I put together myself. I included casting a circle and everything. This was a healing ritual for my brother-in-law. I was charging a crystal to send to him to aid his healing after surgery, but also to send general healing energy to him for his surgery on Tuesday. (If you read this, Cliff, I’m be sending more energy to you during surgery Tuesday.)

Wow, I really had no idea how tiring something like this can be. I felt very up and energized during the ritual and immediately after. But now that I’ve released the energy raised (it still takes me a while to release energy. I need more practice at that), I’m just drained. Although, my hands are still tingling. I don’t know if that’s just the remains of the energy or the nerves are just still all excited from the energy I was trying to pour into the crystal. Those of you who are experienced ritualists, how long does it normally take for those sensations to pass? It’s been about half an hour since I released the energy. I know in the past when I’ve raised energy, it’s taken a long time for my hands to stop being all tingly. You know, almost how they feel when circulation was cut off and then restored, or when you go from a really cold temperature outside to a very warm house. That’s what it feels like.

Anyway, my first ritual. I’m still learning not to feel self-conscious out in my yard where the whole world can see me, but once I get into the ritual, that falls away. I’d love, though, to have a big place in the middle of nowhere, where my rituals are private except for my family and the animals. *laughs* Having come from the south, I always expect cross burners to turn up in my yard if the wrong person sees me.

And now I’m rambling because, yeah, did I mention I’m really tired?

I can’t remember what movie or TV show that line was on, but it really struck me when I heard it. It so exactly describes my relationship with my husband and his with me. I’ve tried in my adult life to follow my intuition and the path laid out for me. It’s not easy when you’re an obsessive over-thinker/worrier. But sometimes things are so clear that even someone like me can see it and know it’s time to move.

Both Mark and I spent our adult lives believing that we were meant to be alone, that was our destiny. We followed our individual paths, went the way we were led, and while we were lonely at times, we were content with our lives as they were.

My path at the time was toward religious life in the Catholic Church. At the age of 30 I entered a community but left before making vows. It just wasn’t the right fit. I drifted for a while, got some desperately needed therapy *laughs*, pursued a fairly successful treatment for my fibromyalgia, and eventually, as I approached my 40s, I again sought religious life. I found the perfect community for my. They lived a close community life, which is what I sought, had retained some of the traditional practices of religious life, worked with the elderly, at least here in the states. I seemed to fit in with them perfectly, and was all set to enter.

Then they asked me to wait for a year while they worked out some internal issues at the convent. I was at a bit of a loss, because I had already shipped my mother off to live with my brother, had divested myself of a lot of the material junk that we tend to surround ourselves with, had withdrawn from ministries at church. So I looked around for something to keep me amused while waiting for the year to pass.

I found EverQuest. I began playing on New Years Day. Believe me, that’ll keep you busy *laughs*. I was active in the game and active on the message boards for the server. I enjoyed myself, but I still kept my strong connection with the convent I was entering. Everything was going well. Then one day I posted something on the message board about missing EQ and the forums when I entered the convent. A couple of days later, I got an e-mail from a cute little gnome that I met on the message boards. And that was that.

He e-mailed me because he was interested in my decision to enter religious life, what it would be like, why I was interested, did I have any doubts. He had a huge number of questions. So I answered them and asked some of my own. Thereby began the most voluminous correspondence of my life. For almost two weeks, we kept the internet hot with our e-mails. We discussed everything under the sun, life, religion, sprirituality, family, past experiences, everything. I shared more with him than I did any other individual in my life, before or since. We clicked, there’s no other way to describe it.

Next thing you know, we were phone callings as well as e-mailing. Then I was flying out to meet him, and suddenly, 3 months later, my belongings were all packed up and I was moving across the country so we could be together. That was almost 5 years ago. As I said, I’m not one to jump without thoroughly investigating every detail, worrying and obsessing over every move. But when you know something is right, you know it’s right.

Over the years, I often pondered why God would put this strong attraction to religious life in me and never let it be fulfilled. I was always delayed and put off by one thing or another happening in my life. Well, now I know. The one thing that attracted Mark and caused him to e-mail me in the first place was my attraction to religious life. Because I followed the path before and kept at it even when I was constantly disappointed and delayed, I came to the path’s culmination.

We don’t always know where the path is leading us. We might think we know, but we really don’t. All we can do is follow the path and trust that in the end, we’ll know the reasons. I found my reason, and he’s all I never knew I always wanted.

Coming from a Catholic background and having spent time in the convent, I am obviously familiar not only with ritual, but with creating ritual.  However, when you step outside of a familiar belief system to create what is meaningful to you, in essence creating your own religion/spiritual tradition, it’s hard to visualize what you want to do ritually.  I’ve performed a couple of rituals here and there that I’ve taken whole cloth from others, but I haven’t really been creating my own rituals.

Fast forward to last week.  We found out that my husband’s brother has cancer.  He will be having surgery next Tuesday and I want to perform a healing ritual for him.  I’ve been scouring the net for healing rituals or spells, and haven’t come up with much that really speaks to what I want, so I have come to the point where I have to start creating my own rituals.  For those of you who have been doing this for years, you might think my hesitance is a little silly.  But coming from a Catholic background, where you are constantly warned about the importance of ritual and performing it correctly, it’s a hard barrier to break through, to create your own rituals.

Anyway, I’ve got definite ideas about what I want to do.  This will be the first time I do a really full ritual, complete with calling of directions and casting a circle.  I’ve also been struggling with a deity to evoke.  Then I was reading a blog this morning talking about the history of Brigid and it struck me that she is a perfect goddess for this ritual, especially in her mother aspect.  So, I’ll cast my circle and call the directions.  Then I will invoke Bridgid, cleanse my crystal and bless it, then light my candles with an invocation for healing and begin my healing chant.  I will close by thanking Bridgid and then closing the circle.  I’m still working on the details, but it’s becoming pretty clear in my mind what I want to do.

This will be a new thing for me, but Cliff’s illness has moved me to reach out of my comfort zone to help care for and heal him.  What better motivation is there than the need of a loved one?

I know, I know, I’m writing a lot today. But for some reason I feel inspired. I don’t want to do the same old things I do every weekend, so I’m stretching myself a bit, and that alone tends to inspire me.

The January card was King of Wands. I figure since January is mostly over, I’ll go ahead and take a whack at this one. I’ve been reading various references for the King of wands. Most of what I’m reading shows him as the passionate leader, the charismatic one that inspires. Well, I’ve never really considered myself terribly charismatic, nor inspiring. I’m usually in search of inspiration myself. I’ve felt myself a little rootless this month, wandering, needing something to fire me up in one direction or another. Wavering is a good word to describe me this month. I haven’t been unhappy, just trying to figure out which path I should be taking. I haven’t had a charismatic leader guiding me one way or another, so I’m a little at a loss as to where this card is leading. Of course, I’ve always *wanted* to be the person described by this card, but I fear I am far, far from ever being that person.

So, I finally got around to doing a tarot reading for the coming year. I pulled a card for each month and one for the year. I’m still working on the interpretations (I’m now and a bit slow), so I’ll add those later. For now, here’s the draw:

January - King of Wands

February - Princess of Hearts

March - Ten of Pentacles

April - Ten of Wands

May - Four of Swords

June - Nine of Hearts

July - The Hanged Man

August - Four of Hearts

September - Ten of Swords

October - The Hermit

November - Ace of Hearts

December - The Devil

And the card for 2007 - The Star

That’s an interesting one for the year. I earlier looked up my number for the year (I think it was 3), but the meaning was close to the same. It was a year of anticipation, the year when things would fall into place and great things can happen if I’m willing to do the work. I’m struggling with what exactly I’m supposed to be working on *laughs*. Is it my writing? I wrote my first novel for NaNoWriMo. I want to get it rewritten and possibly submit it to some publishers, not necessarily in the hope that it will be published, but to get the submission experience in case I ever write anything good enough to be published.

Then again, work is going terrifically well. My boss and coworkers like me. I’m good at the work. I have lots of ideas and abilities that can really make a difference there. Is that where I should be directing my energy?

Or is it going back to school? Should I direct my energy at finishing my degree and moving forward professionally?

There’s not much I need in my personal life. My relationship with my husband is great. I continue to build a friendship with my sister. I love the dogs and the life that we lead. It’s more in the professional development arena that I feel called to work. But work at what, that’s the question?  *laughs again* I think I need to do another reading just around that!

See, nothing irritates me more than to have people trying to define what is and isn’t pagan. Pagans have to be nature centered. Pagans of to be polytheists. Blah…blah…blah….

I feel the same way about Christians who try to define who is and isn’t Christian. If I want to say I’m Christian, who gives a damn. If I want to say I’m Pagan, what the heck does it have to do with you? Pagan is a *very* broad umbrella. There’s lots of us folks who have very eclectic belief systems who self-identify as pagan. Why? Because it’s the closest we can come to an easy statement to give people a basic idea of our general beliefs. What irritates me more than anything else is this idea that somehow Pagan means Wicca. And while I share some beliefs with Wicca, I am not a Wiccan. I share some beliefs with Christianity, but I’m not really a Christian. Heck, I have beliefs that fit in with a lot of other belief systems, but none of my beliefs fit wholly within any defined, organized religion. (Although it’s a stretch to call Wicca defined. It’s about as defined as Christianity. The are some general items that most will agree to, but pretty much, Wicca practiioners tend to be a pretty eclectic group.) So, I identify as generically pagan, because more of my beliefs fit into that structure than any other. And that hurts you how? Why is it that you only feel good about your religion by categorizing and defining in order to exclude others?

*shrugs* What can I say, I spent the morning reading blogs by people who call themselves pagan (although you tend to actually find very little about their spirituality in their so-called pagan blogs), and that always tends to make me annoyed. I should stick to those blogs that I know interest me, but sometimes I want to reach out, hear new voices, find different inspirations. It just such a hard process of wading through the chaff to find the kernels of wheat.

I performed this ritual this morning. I meditated for a while, then did the ritual, and then meditated for a while afterwards. In my meditations, I tried to make myself open to guidance on where I should be going from here. What are my next steps in life. I was using one of the techniques from the book Developing Intuition where you visualize your energy moving from the head/mind down to your solar plexus, and sinking deeper and deeper into the quietness. I had the image almost immediately of being pregnant and having my hands over my belly nurturingly, lovingly. It was a very peaceful image (not at all the kind of feelings the thought of being pregnant would normally engender in me *laughs*). As I meditated on that image, I knew there was something new being born into my life.

It’s funny, but everywhere I’ve looked this last week, I’ve been seeing images of transformation. I did a tarot reading the other day (I’m still learning the cards, so it’s slow going *laughs again*), and almost every card that came up dealing with the future was about transformation. Hard work, but work that will be transforming into a new future. Even my fortune cookie yesterday told me that all my problems will be worked out in the next month.

When I opened my eyes, my immediate thoughts were about how I could create an alter. Where I could put it and what items I should include. So now I’m wondering if this new future, this new beginning, is about my spirituality. Making it a bigger part of my life and a more obvious part of my life? I think I’ll keep meditating on this particular image for a while and see where it goes.

Yes…again…

I’ve had marginally more energy this week, so I decided it’s time to try working on the grounding exercise again. I tried in the morning, but I tend to just fall asleep, so I thought I would try some while I was taking the doggies out before bed this evening.

I started by taking my shoes off and standing barefoot in the yard (I made sure the spot was free of dog poop and creepy crawlies *laughs*). I did some deep breathing exercises for a minute, then started picturing myself sprouting roots deep into the earth. As I sent my roots deeper and deeper, I pictured myself pulling in energy from the earth, and as I did, I sent my arms up toward the sky and pictured limbs and leaves sprouting. I felt the leaves taking the sunshine and using it to produce energy while breathing out all the impurities and contaminants in my system. As I breathed in, I pulled energy and life from the earth and as I breathed out I let go of the negativity and pain through my leaves.

I did this for a couple of minutes, and then decided to sit down. My balance is rather poor and I felt uncomfortable just standing there. However, when I sat down, although I still had my bare feet against the ground, I felt like, without my weight on my feet, that I had lost some of the connection with the earth, and I just couldn’t feel the same energy. So, I discarded my chair and continued for several minutes standing. I finished by gathering up the excess energy and picturing it flowing into my arms, and as I bent over and pressed my hands to the ground, I pictured the excess energy flowing back into the earth, but keeping the energy I needed. I finished by thanking the Goddess and the Gods for all the wonderful things this day had brought…the warm sun, the cool breeze, and the delightful call of a bird that sounded just as I was finishing my meditation.
It’s been a while since I’ve done any guided imagery, and I was surprised how fast I flowed back into it. Now that I know I do better standing, I’ll try it in the morning, too, to get energy for the day.

One thing that really surprised me was that the dogs didn’t bark. After my initial warning to them to not bark, they just ran around the yard sniffing at things, which is quite unusual for them. They’re miniature dachshunds, and they yip at every bird chirp.

So, that was my first experience with this exercise. I thought I would work on this for a week and then move on to the next.