Maritzia’s Thoughts

Yep…that’s right…it’s the anniversary of my birth.  46 today.

I’m celebrating by announcing my latest on-line venture:

Administrative Arts

Okay…so it’s only interesting if you’re a secretary…but I’m still rather proud of it.

Well, I’ve been quite neglectful of my little blog lately, haven’t I? I tend to go in fits and spurts with my writing, as I do in many things. It’s always been a character trait of mine, and one that annoyed my mother no end. I’ve found, though, in my reading, that those who are NF’s in the Myers-Briggs tend to work in this way and tend to work best in this manner. ST’s, though, of which my mother was an extreme, tend to work hard at one thing until it is finished and then move on to something else. Hence my workstyle driving her crazy. I spent a good deal of my life thinking I was quite lazy and had no internal drive or ambition until I started reading about the Myers Briggs types. Now I know that is the way I work best and try to honor that, although it can lead to serious procrastination if you don’t watch it, which is why my blog here has been unattended since February *laughs*.

So, what have I been up to you ask? Well, the short answer is working! The job has been very busy. We had our big fund raiser at the end of April, so I was working a lot of overtime for about 6 weeks before. The week of the fundraiser, I probably spent about 60 hours at work. And, of course, given my generally low energy levels, once I got home I pretty much did nothing else. For me, writing takes energy, and I just haven’t had it to spare these last 2 months. But, the fundraiser and all the work after is done (well, most of it, but what is left isn’t urgent and can be done over time), so I have more energy to devote to other pursuits. So, on with the writing.

First of all, for all those who have asked after my brother-in-law, I very much appreciate the concern. He had his surgery on February 13th and came through it quite well. His recovery was slow but steady and he is now back at work full time and doing well. The doctor has been caustiously optimistic, but thinks they got all of the cancer and there is no spread. He is stopping just short of saying it is benign, because…well…doctors are in general cautious people. But he believes there is unlikely to be a recurrence. Cliff required no radiation or chemo and has now been referred to the Cancer Clinic for regular followups over the next few years. Thanks again to all who showed concern and sent energy to Cliff for his surgery and recovery.

When ever I spend so much time working, I like to spend most of my off time with Mark, so we’ve been watching a lot of DVD’s over the last couple of months. It’s something we can do together that requires no real energy on my part. So, we went back and watched Farscape again (one of our favorites). We also got into Lost. We’ve watched it twice and are eagerly waiting for Season 3 to come out on DVD. Of course, we watched Battlestar Galactica while it was on. The 3rd season started a bit slow, but really picked up again in quality towards the end. Now we are watching the first season of Law and Order. It’s a show we have both always enjoyed, but I didn’t start watching it until later in the production, so I’ve actually not seen any of season 1.

I’ve also been back on my reading kick. I picked up a number of books when I went to help my sister after her surgery. I’ve read The Known World, The Memory Keeper’s Daughter, Wicked, and I’ve reread all the Harry Potter series in anticipation of the final novel coming out in July! I’m so excited!

I’m now reading Sacred Contracts by Carolyn Myss. I’m 3 chapters in, and I have to tell you that this book resonates with me and my beliefs like nothing has in a very long time. You’ll probably be reading more about it as I go through, because it is something that is really calling out to me.

On the writing front, I got a notice of a pagan short story competition with a June something deadline. I’ve got a story wandering around in my head, and I need to see if I can convince it to inhabit paper. I have no real anticipations that it will be good enough to win or even print, but having something like a contest always spurs me to write, since it’s something I tend to be lazy about. So, don’t let me get lazy! Stay on my back until I get it written and submitted.

Let’s see…what else have I been up to….Oh, of course, how could I forget! I’ve joined a campaign. I figure now that I have more energy, it’s time to put my money where my mouth is politically. I am officially endorsing and campaigning for Barack Obama and have joined the local campaign here in Bellingham.

Well, that’s about all that’s been going on with me. Anyone else doing anything interesting?

I can’t remember what movie or TV show that line was on, but it really struck me when I heard it. It so exactly describes my relationship with my husband and his with me. I’ve tried in my adult life to follow my intuition and the path laid out for me. It’s not easy when you’re an obsessive over-thinker/worrier. But sometimes things are so clear that even someone like me can see it and know it’s time to move.

Both Mark and I spent our adult lives believing that we were meant to be alone, that was our destiny. We followed our individual paths, went the way we were led, and while we were lonely at times, we were content with our lives as they were.

My path at the time was toward religious life in the Catholic Church. At the age of 30 I entered a community but left before making vows. It just wasn’t the right fit. I drifted for a while, got some desperately needed therapy *laughs*, pursued a fairly successful treatment for my fibromyalgia, and eventually, as I approached my 40s, I again sought religious life. I found the perfect community for my. They lived a close community life, which is what I sought, had retained some of the traditional practices of religious life, worked with the elderly, at least here in the states. I seemed to fit in with them perfectly, and was all set to enter.

Then they asked me to wait for a year while they worked out some internal issues at the convent. I was at a bit of a loss, because I had already shipped my mother off to live with my brother, had divested myself of a lot of the material junk that we tend to surround ourselves with, had withdrawn from ministries at church. So I looked around for something to keep me amused while waiting for the year to pass.

I found EverQuest. I began playing on New Years Day. Believe me, that’ll keep you busy *laughs*. I was active in the game and active on the message boards for the server. I enjoyed myself, but I still kept my strong connection with the convent I was entering. Everything was going well. Then one day I posted something on the message board about missing EQ and the forums when I entered the convent. A couple of days later, I got an e-mail from a cute little gnome that I met on the message boards. And that was that.

He e-mailed me because he was interested in my decision to enter religious life, what it would be like, why I was interested, did I have any doubts. He had a huge number of questions. So I answered them and asked some of my own. Thereby began the most voluminous correspondence of my life. For almost two weeks, we kept the internet hot with our e-mails. We discussed everything under the sun, life, religion, sprirituality, family, past experiences, everything. I shared more with him than I did any other individual in my life, before or since. We clicked, there’s no other way to describe it.

Next thing you know, we were phone callings as well as e-mailing. Then I was flying out to meet him, and suddenly, 3 months later, my belongings were all packed up and I was moving across the country so we could be together. That was almost 5 years ago. As I said, I’m not one to jump without thoroughly investigating every detail, worrying and obsessing over every move. But when you know something is right, you know it’s right.

Over the years, I often pondered why God would put this strong attraction to religious life in me and never let it be fulfilled. I was always delayed and put off by one thing or another happening in my life. Well, now I know. The one thing that attracted Mark and caused him to e-mail me in the first place was my attraction to religious life. Because I followed the path before and kept at it even when I was constantly disappointed and delayed, I came to the path’s culmination.

We don’t always know where the path is leading us. We might think we know, but we really don’t. All we can do is follow the path and trust that in the end, we’ll know the reasons. I found my reason, and he’s all I never knew I always wanted.

Yes, I know the site disappeared for a couple of weeks.  I forgot to renew the domain, but it’s renewed now and back up and running.

For all of you guys that have been clicking on my link all this time to find no updates…wow…I didn’t think I had a following, much less a loyal one *laughs*.  Thanks for the support.  It makes me feel good to know people actually like what I have to say.

And now on to the update….

First of all, the new job has been very, very busy.  They are really utilizing all of my experience here, and that’s a good thing.  I feel like I am really having an impact on the organization, and it’s been a long, long time since I felt really good about my work.  In November, we had our big, annual fundraiser, which I spent hours and hours working on.  I feel really good about it because it was the most successful fundraiser in the history of the agency, and my work added to that.

November was also NaNoWriMo.  I threw caution to the wind and signed up this year.  The challenge is to write a 50,000 word novel in just 30 days.  How did I do, you ask?

Yep, I wrote 52,548 words and finished my novel.  It’s about a man and woman who have a relationship almost entirely by mail.  It’s based loosely in my husband’s and my relationship, which started by e-mail.  I’m in the process now of researching, editing and rewriting.  I’m really proud of it, though.  Writing a book has long been a dream of mine, and I’m thrilled that I actually did it.  Much thanks to my darling husband and his family for all the encouragement and support!

In gaming news, we played a variety of games.  We went from Shards of Dalaya, to Anarchy On-line, to Eve On-line, to EQII.  We really enjoyed EQII, but after a while, it got boring.  Pretty much each tier of quests is the same, just with harder mobs.  So, now we’re back to EQ, playing on Test Server again.  I forgot how much I really enjoyed the people there.  The people really do make all the difference.  In about 3 months on EQII, the only time anyone talked to me was when they wanted something.  I didn’t really think we had made such an impact on the server community, but everyone seemed to remember us when we got back.  I had welcome backs from people I don’t ever remember meeting in game *laughs*.  So, for now, we’re back in EQ and having fun.

On the health front:  I just finished the Phase II trial on the Milnacipran for the fibromyalgia.  I knew I was doing really well, but I thought most of it was due to the increase in thyroid I had around the same time.  Well, in between the rollover from the Phase II to Phase III trials, we had to wash off the drug.  Man, it’s amazing how much of an effect it was having.  There were a lot of problems I hadn’t even noticed were improved, which I noticed strongly when they came back *laughs*.  I’m starting back on the drug today, with a two week ramp up on the dose to the first dosage level of 100 mg.  I am so looking forward to being back on the drug.  These last two weeks have been really, reallly hard.  So, all you folks with Fibromyalgia, keep an eye out for Milnacipran to get FDA approval.  If you are in Europe, I believe it is already available.  Don’t know about Canada yet.  But I do know that I have had a tremendous response to the drug.

Lots of other things to write about, but I’ve exhausted my little store of energy, and I really need to get some work done.  I’ll try and add more later.

Ohh…one last thing.  Mark has an interview Thursday morning with a First Nations group to do some teaching.  Say a prayer, cast a spell, think positive thoughts, whatever your religious philosophy allows.  Mark and I both appreciate it very much.

Wow…I’ve been really bad about updating, haven’t I?

Well…let’s see….where to start?

First and foremost, I got a job!  (and there was much rejoicing)  I got the job at the youth services place I talked about before.  You know…the job I really, really wanted?  *laughs*.  It’s a pay cut, but one I can live with because I really like the place.  I started a week ago, right after Labor Day, and I’m still getting my feet wet.  There’s a huge amount to learn, because this place just does so many different things.  Last week was a little slow getting started, but it’s beginning to pick up.  The Executive Director is feeling more comfortable throwing things at me, so I now have a number of things on my to do list, which is good, because I bitterly hate to be bored *laughs*.  The only bad thing is I don’t have much time for things like blog browsing like I used to!  So I apologize in advance to all of you who may feel neglected.  I’m still reading a number of your blogs, but I just don’t have that much time to reply like I did.

Second….a new game!  My husband and I have been looking around for a new game to play for a while.  It’s been well over a year since we left EQ, and finding a new game wasn’t that much of a priority for me while I was so sick.  I didn’t have enough energy to play for the most part.  But now that I’m feeling so much better and have so much more energy, I really want to play again.  So, I finally was really pitiful and my husband agreed to give up on the Sony hate enough to let me get EQII.  I’ve been playing the Trial of the Isle, which is a one week free trial of the newbie area.  I have to admit that I haven’t enjoyed a game so much in ages.  The quests are interesting and are backed up by the story line.  There’s a variety of things to do, including tradeskilling, which I love.  So, he’s out getting the game for me today if he can find it locally.  Otherwise, we’ll have to order it on-line.  We already have a DVD reader/writer on order.  It’s something we need anyway, so we decided to go ahead and get it since more and more software media is being released on DVD only.  The only problem is that Mark’s computer doesn’t run the game that well.  The lag causes the screen to be jumpy when he moves and it gives him a headache.  He’s working with the options to tune performance, but it’s obvious that upgrading his computer is going to have to be a priority when we get more money.  In the meantime, he’s still working on studying for his MCAD exams, so he doesn’t want to get heavily into a game right now anyway.  But I intend to get my enjoyment’s worth out of it!

In other news, I’m doing much, much better on the new treatments.  I don’t know if it’s the increased thyroid dose or the study medication (which judging by the side effects, I’ve got the medication and not the placebo), but I’m feeling tremendously better.  Much more energized.  My mood is incredibly improved.  My sex drive is even starting to kick back in a bit.  We’re walking 45 minutes to an hour on weeknights and going much further than we were before.  And on weekends, we’re doing a 3-4 mile walk, which isn’t nearly as exhausting as it used to be.  It takes us about two hours, and we then take the next day off of walking.  So, all in all, my life is definitely looking up!

I had an interview on Wednesday for an Exec Asst to the plant manager at the local Alcoa plant and this morning I had an interview for an exec asst at a local non-profit that works with abused and at-risk youths.

The interview Wednesday was so-so.  The people were nice enough, but I didn’t really click with the plant manager.  I liked all of them, but I didn’t really leave there all that enthused.  It would be a long drive (I know, 30 minustes is not that long to you big city folks, but I’m used to a 5 minute commute), and I wouldn’t be able to come home for lunch anymore.  And since we only have one car, it’d be a hell of a long way and back for Mark on those days he needs the car.  And, as I said, I left the interview feeling less than enthused.  *shrugs*  Not that I’d turn it down if they offered it, it just wouldn’t be my first choice.

The 2nd interview was much better.  I really clicked with all the folks I interviewed with.  I’d be supporting the three of them (the exec director, fundraising director, and operations director).  They seemed like a nice, tight knit group and had a good sense of humor.  I more than meet what they’re looking for right down to a technical background.  It would be a varied job, which I like, and besides, I really liked the people (did I mention that already?).  Anyway, the feeling must have been mutual, because a little more than an hour after the interview, they called me back for a 2nd interview with them.  That’s on Monday morning at 9:00 a.m., so any more good thoughts you want to send my way will be greatly appreciated.

In other news, I can’t remember if I told you guys that I found a new doctor and I really, really liked her.  I saw her about 2 weeks ago, and she immediately wrote me a prescription for a higher thyroid dose.  I also convinced her to let me switch to Armour thyroid, which I did very well on before.  I immediately got a boost from the higher amounts of T3 in the armour, and when the extra T4 kicks in, I should be doing much better.  Already, I’m in a better frame of mind.  I’m less tired, less depressed, and Mark and I have been doing some much longer walks since all of my energy doesn’t have to go into work.  Of course, I also started on the medication for the clinical trial a week ago, and yesterday the dose increased.  So it’s also possible that I’m getting the medication instead of the placebo and that’s having an effect, too.  It’s hard to say right now.  I did find out that after the 15 weeks of the double-blinded trial, I’ll be moved to an open trial where I’ll definitely get the medication, and that trial lasts for 3 years.  So that’s good too.

So, all in all, I’m in a much better frame of mind.  Keep your fingers crossed for me on Monday.  The Goddess leads us on some strange paths sometimes, but they always seem to work out, even if the light is a bit dim on the path from time to time.

The jobs done.  I left a little before noon on Thursday.  They said I could take whatever time I needed to job hunting so I took them at their word.  Technically, I’m on the payroll until Tuesday (the 15th), but Val was making Thursday his last day, and they’d already taken both of us out of the directory, so no one was calling, so they didn’t need me there.

It’s funny, but after all the stress of the last month, it’s actually a relief to be out of there.  I don’t think I’ve really been happy there for a while.  Mostly because my boss was unhappy.  He kept saying that he was fishing for job offers to get something better out of the university.  But the truth is, he’s been unhappy at the job for a while.  He’s a very take charge, get things done kind of guy, and that’s just not the kind of place the University here is.  They’re big on decision by concensus, and it really did make Val crazy.  That, and once collective bargaining was done, there just wasn’t that much going on at the university to interest someone of his caliber.  And since the university was completely unwilling to widen the scope of his job, his only real alternative was to go elsewhere.  But, like I was saying, I think his dissatisfaction with his job was driving mine as well.  So, now it’s time for a new start.

*sits and stares at the phone waiting for it to ring*

Yep…a new start….any minute now….

Sorry guys. No update for a couple of days. All this stress has obviously weakened the immune system, cuz I’m sick as a dog. Some kind of summer flu or something. It’s 80 degrees here and I spent the day under my heating blanking *laughs…coughs…wheezes…chokes*

Ack…back to bed for me. Maybe my sweetie’ll make me a nice hot toddie….

Lay off as of August 15.  15 days notice, no severence, nothing.

If my stomach could tolerate it, I’d go home and get drunk.

Today would have been my mother’s 71st birthday.  She died in 2002 from cirrhosis secondary to hepatitis C.  I took care of her for 2 years before she died.  I’ve probably mentioned here somewhere before that my mother was the primary abuser in our household.  Daddy was an alcoholic, but he was always good to us, if a somewhat absent parent much of the time.  My mother was the primary parental figure, but…well…let’s just say she was a bit unstable.  She had a terrible temper, and you never knew from one time to the next whether she’d be laughing with you or beating the shit out of you.

It’s taken a lot of time (not to mention therapy) to really understand what happened with Momma.  To give Mom her due, she was a hell of a lot better parent than her own mother.  Granny was certifiably nuts.  The stories my mom and uncles used to tell about her abuse would just make your hair stand on end.  So, in many ways, Mom broke away from the parenting skills she learned at her mother’s hands.  But the abuse by her mother left it’s scars and caused, I believe, most of the instability in my mother’s personality. 

It would be easy to let myself grow old and bitter like my mother was, but I refuse to be that way.  I remember one day in my twenties, looking at my mother frothing at the mouth over nothing, and thinking that I didn’t want to be like that.  I didn’t want to be old and sick and bitter before my time.  For all of us there are watershed moments in our lives, and that was one for me.  It’s when I started to seriously look at my behaviors and my thought patterns and conciously trying to be a different person.  I think, to a great extent, I’ve achieved that.  Goodness knows the temptation to be bitter has been strong lately with all of this layoff talk, but I’m still trying to resist it.  Although, to be fair, I must admit that my husband and I have decided to blame everything negative on Chyerl for the forseeable future *laughs*.  We even blamed her for the heat wave next week.  It’s petty, but it makes us laugh and that makes us feel better.

There have been a number of watershed events in my life as well as my spirituality.  Maybe I’ll go into some of the others some day.  But today is about Momma.  It’s about forgiveness and love.  And being grateful that she gave me enough strength to not turn out like her.

Thanks, Momma, and Happy Birthday!