Maritzia’s Thoughts

As one of my goals for the coming year is to work more with the Tarot and become more familiar with interpretations, I decided to once again do a reading for the year.

The card I drew for January was the 7 of Swords, which in the couple of books I have seems to represent opposition, especially opposition through sneakiness.  This pretty well intrigued me, mostly because even though I’m fairly intuitive, I have trouble reading social cues.  My shrink years ago said I had aspects of autism in my personality.  So, I decided to do a simple Past Present Future spread for January.

Guess what came up as the first card.  No, go ahead….guess….

Yep, that’s right….7 of Swords.  I was still at a bit of a loss on this one, so I went out to the internet and looked up various interpretations for this card.  The first link that came up when I googled it was this page from learntarot.com.  The first set of interpretations surrounding running away was me to a T.  It probably sums up my emotional past better than anything I’ve ever seen.  I’ve always been an avoider, a procrastinator, someone who runs away rather than face a confrontation, all the while worrying desperately about that confrontation.  I’ll take the easy way out until I can screw up the courage to actually deal with the situation.  And, of course, as soon as I confront whatever it is, I find it wasn’t nearly the issue I had blown it up to be in my mind.  I’m actually much more capable than I usually believe myself to be. 

So, Seven of Swords makes perfect sense if I appy the card to my own past, rather than just the past of a particular situation.  One of the things I love about the tarot is it can really lead you down paths in your mind that you don’t usually take on your own.  It’s a great meditative and self-analytical tool.

So…the second card, representing the Present, was the Empress, reversed.  She represents the birth of a new project, or in reverse, could represent the lack of proper application of self to a project.  I actually have several things I’m looking at and working on at the moment.  Mark and I would like to become foster parents to throwaway teens at some point, once his immigration is complete.  I’m also trying to become more active with my blog here and possible start a couple of side blogs on topics I care about.  I’m trying to be more consistent with my work with the tarot and learn to interpret more fluently.  And, of course, I have always been one to not apply myself completely to projects…to start and not finish.  So perhaps this card is a warning?  I need to pay attention to those things that are important to me.  No slacking if I want to be successful!

The future card was the Ace of Hearts (Cups in other decks).  This is another one that feels fairly ambiguous to me.  Many of the interpretations I’ve read talk about love and relationships, and that is one area for which I don’t feel a need at the moment.  Others, though, talk of the spiritual aspects of the card.  A heightening of intuition, a coming spiritual epiphany.  *shrugs* We’ll have to wait and see what the future brings, I suppose.  And that’s the one thing I hate about the tarot.  I want to know right now, darn it!  I’m not a patient person *laughs*.

Anyone want to add to the interpretations, I’d love to hear what you have to say. 

I don’t often remember my dreams, even though I know I dream often, so when I do remember them, I tend to really take notice of them. I’ve always tend to have dreams with recurring themes, one of the most common of which is being in runaway vehicles. From what I’ve read, vehicles tend to signify power, and runaway vehicles signify powerlessness. That symbology has certainly rung true for me in these dreams and represented what I was felling quite well.

The other night, I dreamed that I was with my sister, who is an accountant at a hospital. She was at the hospital applying for a cleaning job to supplement her income. While I was waiting for her, there was a family with four kids sitting around me, and they were passing burritoes back and forth between them and across me, spilling burrito innards on me with each pass. This understandable annoyed me, so I went outside to get the car while I was waiting. Outside was the CEO of the hospital waiting by the car, which was a big black luxury car. He was quite concerned that I was not delayed or put out in any way. I got in the car and was driving around the circle in and out of the hospital entry while waiting for my sister to finish.

I thought a good bit about this dream before coming up with an interpretation. Money has, indeed, been tight for us and it is something that has worried me a good deal. I’m the kind of person who just cannot see solutions sometimes until suddenly they came upon me in a flash. A couple of days before this, I sat down with all of my bills, going through them and decideing what to do when one of these flashes hit me and I know how I was going to work through everything. This dream, I think, was a confirmation of my feelings that this will all work out. For once, I was not in an out of control car, but rather in full control of quite a nice vehicle (we drive a little compact in real life). It’s a turning point for me, I think, in really starting to feel in control of my destiny. That doesn’t mean that life won’t throw me surprises, of course. Just that for once in my life, I actually feel up to dealing with those circumstances.

Last night I dreamed that the host home parents for our teen shelter at work were summarily fired and Mark and I were going to get their jobs *laughs*. We’ve talked alot about that lately and have decided that it really is something we’d like to do when the opportunity arises. Both of us come from abusive backgrounds, and we have worked really hard over the years to deal with the emotional and psychological damage we suffered. We believe we truly have something special to offer these kids that someone without that background can never offer. We know, instinctively, where they are coming from and what they’re feeling. It helps that I’m pretty intuitive, and Mark, of course, is a full blown empath. In some ways it makes the work harder emotionally for us, but so much more satisfying in the end when we can really reach out and touch these kids.

Speaking of which, I’ll be doing respite at the home this weekend, so probably won’t be on-line. I’ve got some things I want to post, though, so if I get access and have time, I might update. Who knows?

I was following a discussion on a mailing list to which I belong, and someone mentioned the power of our thoughts, not only over ourselves, but over our magic as well. I believe that our thoughts hold great power over us. They constantly affect not only us but the energy we send out into the world as witches. It is so important to practice discipline over out thoughts, to positively change the negative, the intolerant, and especially the self-abusive thoughts that can constantly run through our minds. Especially if you are from an abusive background, the litany of constant self-abuse that can run through our heads tends to affect every emotional response we have. It’s so important to learn to think for yourself rather than just let the tapes of other people’s opinions run your life and form your opinions. If you are consumed by negative self-thoughts, those thoughts will color every magickal act you make.

I know that Stuart Smiley of SNL fame has given affirmations a bad name, but they can be a great tool towards negating the negative self-image many of us had branded into our psyches while growing up. If you are constantly being battered internally by the words of others, take time every day to look youself in the eye in the mirror and repeat the good things about yourself, especially the things that negate the negative opinions in your head. Even if you don’t believe those things now, eventually just hearing them every day will make a difference. As they say in AA, fake it till you make it! Words have energy. Use them to help yourself!

Well, I’ve been quite neglectful of my little blog lately, haven’t I? I tend to go in fits and spurts with my writing, as I do in many things. It’s always been a character trait of mine, and one that annoyed my mother no end. I’ve found, though, in my reading, that those who are NF’s in the Myers-Briggs tend to work in this way and tend to work best in this manner. ST’s, though, of which my mother was an extreme, tend to work hard at one thing until it is finished and then move on to something else. Hence my workstyle driving her crazy. I spent a good deal of my life thinking I was quite lazy and had no internal drive or ambition until I started reading about the Myers Briggs types. Now I know that is the way I work best and try to honor that, although it can lead to serious procrastination if you don’t watch it, which is why my blog here has been unattended since February *laughs*.

So, what have I been up to you ask? Well, the short answer is working! The job has been very busy. We had our big fund raiser at the end of April, so I was working a lot of overtime for about 6 weeks before. The week of the fundraiser, I probably spent about 60 hours at work. And, of course, given my generally low energy levels, once I got home I pretty much did nothing else. For me, writing takes energy, and I just haven’t had it to spare these last 2 months. But, the fundraiser and all the work after is done (well, most of it, but what is left isn’t urgent and can be done over time), so I have more energy to devote to other pursuits. So, on with the writing.

First of all, for all those who have asked after my brother-in-law, I very much appreciate the concern. He had his surgery on February 13th and came through it quite well. His recovery was slow but steady and he is now back at work full time and doing well. The doctor has been caustiously optimistic, but thinks they got all of the cancer and there is no spread. He is stopping just short of saying it is benign, because…well…doctors are in general cautious people. But he believes there is unlikely to be a recurrence. Cliff required no radiation or chemo and has now been referred to the Cancer Clinic for regular followups over the next few years. Thanks again to all who showed concern and sent energy to Cliff for his surgery and recovery.

When ever I spend so much time working, I like to spend most of my off time with Mark, so we’ve been watching a lot of DVD’s over the last couple of months. It’s something we can do together that requires no real energy on my part. So, we went back and watched Farscape again (one of our favorites). We also got into Lost. We’ve watched it twice and are eagerly waiting for Season 3 to come out on DVD. Of course, we watched Battlestar Galactica while it was on. The 3rd season started a bit slow, but really picked up again in quality towards the end. Now we are watching the first season of Law and Order. It’s a show we have both always enjoyed, but I didn’t start watching it until later in the production, so I’ve actually not seen any of season 1.

I’ve also been back on my reading kick. I picked up a number of books when I went to help my sister after her surgery. I’ve read The Known World, The Memory Keeper’s Daughter, Wicked, and I’ve reread all the Harry Potter series in anticipation of the final novel coming out in July! I’m so excited!

I’m now reading Sacred Contracts by Carolyn Myss. I’m 3 chapters in, and I have to tell you that this book resonates with me and my beliefs like nothing has in a very long time. You’ll probably be reading more about it as I go through, because it is something that is really calling out to me.

On the writing front, I got a notice of a pagan short story competition with a June something deadline. I’ve got a story wandering around in my head, and I need to see if I can convince it to inhabit paper. I have no real anticipations that it will be good enough to win or even print, but having something like a contest always spurs me to write, since it’s something I tend to be lazy about. So, don’t let me get lazy! Stay on my back until I get it written and submitted.

Let’s see…what else have I been up to….Oh, of course, how could I forget! I’ve joined a campaign. I figure now that I have more energy, it’s time to put my money where my mouth is politically. I am officially endorsing and campaigning for Barack Obama and have joined the local campaign here in Bellingham.

Well, that’s about all that’s been going on with me. Anyone else doing anything interesting?

Coming from a Catholic background and having spent time in the convent, I am obviously familiar not only with ritual, but with creating ritual.  However, when you step outside of a familiar belief system to create what is meaningful to you, in essence creating your own religion/spiritual tradition, it’s hard to visualize what you want to do ritually.  I’ve performed a couple of rituals here and there that I’ve taken whole cloth from others, but I haven’t really been creating my own rituals.

Fast forward to last week.  We found out that my husband’s brother has cancer.  He will be having surgery next Tuesday and I want to perform a healing ritual for him.  I’ve been scouring the net for healing rituals or spells, and haven’t come up with much that really speaks to what I want, so I have come to the point where I have to start creating my own rituals.  For those of you who have been doing this for years, you might think my hesitance is a little silly.  But coming from a Catholic background, where you are constantly warned about the importance of ritual and performing it correctly, it’s a hard barrier to break through, to create your own rituals.

Anyway, I’ve got definite ideas about what I want to do.  This will be the first time I do a really full ritual, complete with calling of directions and casting a circle.  I’ve also been struggling with a deity to evoke.  Then I was reading a blog this morning talking about the history of Brigid and it struck me that she is a perfect goddess for this ritual, especially in her mother aspect.  So, I’ll cast my circle and call the directions.  Then I will invoke Bridgid, cleanse my crystal and bless it, then light my candles with an invocation for healing and begin my healing chant.  I will close by thanking Bridgid and then closing the circle.  I’m still working on the details, but it’s becoming pretty clear in my mind what I want to do.

This will be a new thing for me, but Cliff’s illness has moved me to reach out of my comfort zone to help care for and heal him.  What better motivation is there than the need of a loved one?

I know, I know, I’m writing a lot today. But for some reason I feel inspired. I don’t want to do the same old things I do every weekend, so I’m stretching myself a bit, and that alone tends to inspire me.

The January card was King of Wands. I figure since January is mostly over, I’ll go ahead and take a whack at this one. I’ve been reading various references for the King of wands. Most of what I’m reading shows him as the passionate leader, the charismatic one that inspires. Well, I’ve never really considered myself terribly charismatic, nor inspiring. I’m usually in search of inspiration myself. I’ve felt myself a little rootless this month, wandering, needing something to fire me up in one direction or another. Wavering is a good word to describe me this month. I haven’t been unhappy, just trying to figure out which path I should be taking. I haven’t had a charismatic leader guiding me one way or another, so I’m a little at a loss as to where this card is leading. Of course, I’ve always *wanted* to be the person described by this card, but I fear I am far, far from ever being that person.

So, I finally got around to doing a tarot reading for the coming year. I pulled a card for each month and one for the year. I’m still working on the interpretations (I’m now and a bit slow), so I’ll add those later. For now, here’s the draw:

January - King of Wands

February - Princess of Hearts

March - Ten of Pentacles

April - Ten of Wands

May - Four of Swords

June - Nine of Hearts

July - The Hanged Man

August - Four of Hearts

September - Ten of Swords

October - The Hermit

November - Ace of Hearts

December - The Devil

And the card for 2007 - The Star

That’s an interesting one for the year. I earlier looked up my number for the year (I think it was 3), but the meaning was close to the same. It was a year of anticipation, the year when things would fall into place and great things can happen if I’m willing to do the work. I’m struggling with what exactly I’m supposed to be working on *laughs*. Is it my writing? I wrote my first novel for NaNoWriMo. I want to get it rewritten and possibly submit it to some publishers, not necessarily in the hope that it will be published, but to get the submission experience in case I ever write anything good enough to be published.

Then again, work is going terrifically well. My boss and coworkers like me. I’m good at the work. I have lots of ideas and abilities that can really make a difference there. Is that where I should be directing my energy?

Or is it going back to school? Should I direct my energy at finishing my degree and moving forward professionally?

There’s not much I need in my personal life. My relationship with my husband is great. I continue to build a friendship with my sister. I love the dogs and the life that we lead. It’s more in the professional development arena that I feel called to work. But work at what, that’s the question?  *laughs again* I think I need to do another reading just around that!

I found this over at The Witch Within. It was too good to not share it with all my female friends here. I hope you post it on your sites. I have been unable to find an attribution, other than it is by an Australian girl. It’s been around the net for a while, but it can’t be repeated too much

I Fight Like A Girl

I fight like a girl who refuses to be a victim.
I fight like a girl who is tired of being
IGNORED and HUMORED and BEATEN and RAPED.
I fight like a girl who’s sick
of not being taken seriously.
I fight like a girl who’s been pushed too far.
I fight like a girl who OFFERS and
DEMANDS RESPECT.
I fight like a girl who has a lifetime of
ANGER and STRENGTH and PRIDE
pent up in her girly body.
I fight like a girl who doesn’t believe in
FEAR and SUBMISSION.
I fight like a girl who knows that
THIS BODY and THIS MIND are mine.
I fight like a girl who knows that

YOU ONLY HAVE AS MUCH POWER
AS I GRANT YOU.

I fight like a girl who will never allow you
to take more than I offer.
I fight like a girl who FIGHTS BACK.

So next time you think you can distract
yourself
from your insecurities by victimizing a girl,
THINK AGAIN.
She may be ME and

I FIGHT LIKE A GIRL.

I performed this ritual this morning. I meditated for a while, then did the ritual, and then meditated for a while afterwards. In my meditations, I tried to make myself open to guidance on where I should be going from here. What are my next steps in life. I was using one of the techniques from the book Developing Intuition where you visualize your energy moving from the head/mind down to your solar plexus, and sinking deeper and deeper into the quietness. I had the image almost immediately of being pregnant and having my hands over my belly nurturingly, lovingly. It was a very peaceful image (not at all the kind of feelings the thought of being pregnant would normally engender in me *laughs*). As I meditated on that image, I knew there was something new being born into my life.

It’s funny, but everywhere I’ve looked this last week, I’ve been seeing images of transformation. I did a tarot reading the other day (I’m still learning the cards, so it’s slow going *laughs again*), and almost every card that came up dealing with the future was about transformation. Hard work, but work that will be transforming into a new future. Even my fortune cookie yesterday told me that all my problems will be worked out in the next month.

When I opened my eyes, my immediate thoughts were about how I could create an alter. Where I could put it and what items I should include. So now I’m wondering if this new future, this new beginning, is about my spirituality. Making it a bigger part of my life and a more obvious part of my life? I think I’ll keep meditating on this particular image for a while and see where it goes.

Today would have been my mother’s 71st birthday.  She died in 2002 from cirrhosis secondary to hepatitis C.  I took care of her for 2 years before she died.  I’ve probably mentioned here somewhere before that my mother was the primary abuser in our household.  Daddy was an alcoholic, but he was always good to us, if a somewhat absent parent much of the time.  My mother was the primary parental figure, but…well…let’s just say she was a bit unstable.  She had a terrible temper, and you never knew from one time to the next whether she’d be laughing with you or beating the shit out of you.

It’s taken a lot of time (not to mention therapy) to really understand what happened with Momma.  To give Mom her due, she was a hell of a lot better parent than her own mother.  Granny was certifiably nuts.  The stories my mom and uncles used to tell about her abuse would just make your hair stand on end.  So, in many ways, Mom broke away from the parenting skills she learned at her mother’s hands.  But the abuse by her mother left it’s scars and caused, I believe, most of the instability in my mother’s personality. 

It would be easy to let myself grow old and bitter like my mother was, but I refuse to be that way.  I remember one day in my twenties, looking at my mother frothing at the mouth over nothing, and thinking that I didn’t want to be like that.  I didn’t want to be old and sick and bitter before my time.  For all of us there are watershed moments in our lives, and that was one for me.  It’s when I started to seriously look at my behaviors and my thought patterns and conciously trying to be a different person.  I think, to a great extent, I’ve achieved that.  Goodness knows the temptation to be bitter has been strong lately with all of this layoff talk, but I’m still trying to resist it.  Although, to be fair, I must admit that my husband and I have decided to blame everything negative on Chyerl for the forseeable future *laughs*.  We even blamed her for the heat wave next week.  It’s petty, but it makes us laugh and that makes us feel better.

There have been a number of watershed events in my life as well as my spirituality.  Maybe I’ll go into some of the others some day.  But today is about Momma.  It’s about forgiveness and love.  And being grateful that she gave me enough strength to not turn out like her.

Thanks, Momma, and Happy Birthday!