Posted on Wednesday, 26th July 2006 by Maritzia
Today would have been my mother’s 71st birthday. She died in 2002 from cirrhosis secondary to hepatitis C. I took care of her for 2 years before she died. I’ve probably mentioned here somewhere before that my mother was the primary abuser in our household. Daddy was an alcoholic, but he was always good to us, if a somewhat absent parent much of the time. My mother was the primary parental figure, but…well…let’s just say she was a bit unstable. She had a terrible temper, and you never knew from one time to the next whether she’d be laughing with you or beating the shit out of you.
It’s taken a lot of time (not to mention therapy) to really understand what happened with Momma. To give Mom her due, she was a hell of a lot better parent than her own mother. Granny was certifiably nuts. The stories my mom and uncles used to tell about her abuse would just make your hair stand on end. So, in many ways, Mom broke away from the parenting skills she learned at her mother’s hands. But the abuse by her mother left it’s scars and caused, I believe, most of the instability in my mother’s personality.
It would be easy to let myself grow old and bitter like my mother was, but I refuse to be that way. I remember one day in my twenties, looking at my mother frothing at the mouth over nothing, and thinking that I didn’t want to be like that. I didn’t want to be old and sick and bitter before my time. For all of us there are watershed moments in our lives, and that was one for me. It’s when I started to seriously look at my behaviors and my thought patterns and conciously trying to be a different person. I think, to a great extent, I’ve achieved that. Goodness knows the temptation to be bitter has been strong lately with all of this layoff talk, but I’m still trying to resist it. Although, to be fair, I must admit that my husband and I have decided to blame everything negative on Chyerl for the forseeable future *laughs*. We even blamed her for the heat wave next week. It’s petty, but it makes us laugh and that makes us feel better.
There have been a number of watershed events in my life as well as my spirituality. Maybe I’ll go into some of the others some day. But today is about Momma. It’s about forgiveness and love. And being grateful that she gave me enough strength to not turn out like her.
Thanks, Momma, and Happy Birthday!
Posted in Personal, Personal growth | Comments (8)
July 27th, 2006 at 12:00 pm
That is a really gracious post, I am glad you took the harder, and better road, good for you!
My father was an alcoholic; died 11 years ago of liver cancer. He would have been 76 last April, and I still miss him to this day, screwed up as he was.
Happy birthday to your mom.
August 2nd, 2006 at 2:22 pm
the chain must be broken…it is up to each generation to do better than the one before..and i think you are doing that..jackie
August 13th, 2006 at 7:03 am
You’re doing well
August 13th, 2006 at 7:34 am
And forgiveness is key. If we don’t let go and trust God to judge rightly, we become like the one we hate. Knowing what made that person as they were, too, helps in the forgiveness process. God bless.
August 13th, 2006 at 11:59 am
good for you for forgiving and breaking the cycle of abuse. that is not easy!!! good job!
August 13th, 2006 at 2:35 pm
You’ve done well to break this cycle that has gone on for generations in your family…when I hear things like this, is makes me acutely aware of the affect I’m having on my own children. And praise God! He can take my meager attempts to honor Him through the way I parent (or treat my husband or others, etc.), and bless it and use it for His glory. Thank you for sharing your own decision to forgive. Holding a grudge rarely, if ever, “hurts” the one for whom we hold it…it’s “us” it bogs down.
August 13th, 2006 at 8:07 pm
((Hugs)) happy birthday to your mom.
My grandpa was a terribly mean man. My dad was really hard on us and sometimes we’ve been hurt over it but I know he was so loving to us and tried so hard to break the habits he learned from his dad.
Life’s hard sometimes huh?:)
Good for you for learning how to do better and change your life.
Visiting from the BC Carnival
August 14th, 2006 at 12:30 pm
Good for you!!! Breaking the chain is hard, but you are worth it!