Maritzia’s Thoughts

Not a lot happening. The long weekend was good. I really needed the extra day off.

I got a little bored with Shards of Dalaya. Mark doesn’t really like to play, and without someone else to keep me company, I started losing interest. Mark is doing a free trial of Eve Online. I beta’d Eve and didn’t enjoy it that much. Was a little too impersonal for me. But Mark likes RTS games, so this is something that he enjoys. I think it’s the programmer in him. I’m currently playing a free account on Anarchy Online. I don’t know if I’ll upgrade to a paid account or not. The level of dudishness is quite high among most players. *shrugs* I’m really torn about what I want to play. With Vanguard out of the picture, I’m not sure which direction to go in. I won’t play another Sony game. Maybe D&D Online? I’ll probably keep playing AO for a little while. The thing about this game is that with the back story, there’s a huge potential for roleplaying. I just don’t know how to find that roleplay community.

In other news, I’m teaching myself to knit again. I’ve always been an avid crocheter, but I’ve been a bit bored with crocheting lately. So, I got a book this weekend and am teaching myself to knit again. I’m currently working on a ribknit scarf just for practice, until I get comfortable again. Then I might make an afghan for my sister. Or a scarf for my boss. He’s up for a job in Chicago, and if he gets it, I might make him a scarf and hat for a going away gift. God knows he’ll need it in Chicago. *shivers*

I’m of two minds about him going. I really want him to find a better place for himself than here. He’s not really appreciated here, and this place isn’t a challenge for him. The extreme they take things to in the area of community governance makes him crazy. He’s the kind of guy that likes decisions to be made and not to waffle forever because you want everyone to be happy. Sometimes, someone has to be the bad guy and make unpopular decisions. And no one here wants to be that person. And, of course, there’s the problem that this city is just *so* incredibly white. I mean, really really white. He’s black, his wife is cuban, and he’s afraid to have his kids grow up without sufficient rolemodels of color in their lives. So, if he gets this job in Chicago, I’m happy for him. But, it means real flux for me. I’ve had this happen before, when as an assistant you get a new boss. It can turn out to be good, but on the other hand, it can be a complete disaster. To have a successful boss/assistant relationship, you have to have a certain report, which I don’t have with many people. I’ve had a great one with Val, so I’m not looking forward to him leaving me.

In the health news, I had more bloodwork last week, and it looks like the numbers have stopped going up just on the low side of normal, so it’s likely I’ll get my PICC out next week (hooray!). I’m so tired of wearing that sleeve to take a shower and not being able to life things. I’m ready for this interval in my life to be over. And once I can say officially that the anemia is fixed, I can start annoying doctors about my thyroid dose. First thing I’ll do is see my doctor of record. I’ve been seeing the nurse practitioner, and she won’t even talk about increasing my thyroid dose. So I’ll see the doctor, and if she’s of the same mind, I’ll send letters out to all the doctors on my insurance taking new patients and see if I can find someone more compatible. My energy levels are still very low, and I have got to do something about it.

On the college front, I got my transfer report this week, and it looks like I’ll have all but 2 classes of my core curriculum covered, and I have more than enough classes to cover any and all electives. So pretty much all I’ll need to take are my major requirements. I’ll make an appointment with one of the advisors in the Psych Dept over the summer and talk about what exactly I’ll have to take and start planning classes. I figure for now I’ll take 1 class a semester. I don’t think I have the energy levels to do more than that and work too. But it’s a start! It’s a start.

I just added a new page to this site talking about my experiences with fibromyalgia.  It might be a worthwhile read for any of you with fibromyalgia and/or chronic fatigue.  Specifically it talks about the theory of peripheral thyroid resistance.  Give it a read.

Note:  it’s not spam, I don’t offer to sell you anything or tell you how to be cured.  It’s just my experience with this particular theory.

I’ve had a lot of convent dreams since I left the convent about 13 years ago. At first, they were persecution type dreams. I was still in, but was being constantly belittled. Later, I was going back, but it was obvious that even though they took me back, I wasn’t really wanted. Lately, the dreams have been more along the lines of I’m either just visiting them (i.e. they know I’m married and are happy to have me just visit on occasion) or I’ve entered or never left them and am very happy there. Always, in these later dreams, the community is the one I was going to enter when I met my husband, not the one I left. The earlier dreams were always about the community I left.

Well, last night I had an interesting dream last night. I was in the community (and for some reason we were in a mall….I don’t know why, but many of my dreams are set in malls), and I was reading tarot for some of the sisters. Then suddenly the bishop was on TV making an announcement that all occult practices were forbidden and cause for excommunication. The interesting part of the dream was my reaction to this pronouncement. While I was a bit perturbed by the announcement, I was resolved that 1) I wasn’t giving up my so-called occult practices/beliefs and 2) I wasn’t leaving. Nor were the sisters interested in making me give them up or leave.

I’ve been thinking all morning about the meaning of this dream. I do believe that some of our dreams are significant. Not all dreams….let’s face it, some dreams are just dreams, but sometimes they are our subconscious talking to us. This dream felt like one of those significant dreams. It’s interesting that I had this dream right after telling someone else this same thing (about dreams sometimes being significant).

Anyway…what does this dream mean? I’ve been struggling a lot lately because my belief systems are such a hodgepodge that I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I retain too many of my christian beliefs for a lot of pagans to be comfortable, and have too many pagan beliefs for most christians to be comfortable. It makes it very hard to find a worship community of any kind. I think my history of convent dreams is my soul looking for a supportive community. I’ve even thought about rejecting (or at least not mentioning) various parts of my beliefs in order to have the community. I think this dream is telling me that the only way I will be happy in a community is to cling to my beliefs (after all, they weren’t formed on a whim but on a lifetime of self-reflection) and the community will come along that can accept those beliefs. That, in truth, it is the loyalty to my beliefs that will attract a community to me.

So, I’m still looking for a community of believers. But I’m comfortable continuing to worship on my own until the right community comes along.

I’ve been in a pretty good fibromyalgia flare since the surgery in February, and the fatigue hit pretty heavily this week. Needless to say, I haven’t been keeping up with my meditations from the Twelve Wild Swans. Hopefully next week will be a little better. I’m starting to feel a little more energy, so hopefully I’ll be more myself this week.

The mother-in-law is here for a few days. She came Thursday night and will stay probably until Monday. This morning we’re going out to one of the local parks. A couple of the local pet businesses are sponsoring a get together at one of the off leash areas, and we thought we’d take all the dogs and go. The weather is nice…sunny and in the 50s. Highs should hit the 60s today. I have to be sure to save enough energy for laundry though, or I’ll be going to work naked next week.

I’ve got my first mammogram coming up this week, and then next week my eye exam. I’ve been putting all of this stuff off until I got all the surgery and what not over with. I only have a few weeks left on the iron infusions (and should be getting the PICC out…YEA!), so I’m making appointments to get everything done that I’ve put off. After all this, I’m going to have to deal with the dentist. I have one tooth extremely sensetive to the cold, and another with a big black spot on it that surely means a cavity. I don’t think I’m too far off of those dentures. The teeth are going one at a time, at least the molars, anyway. Egads, but I’m getting old. Oh, well, when I was a kid the dentist said I’d be lucky to keep my teeth past 30, and I’ve made it to 44, so that’s beating the odds.

The husband has breakfast ready, so I’ve got to get running. Maybe I’ll post more later after our walks. Must find the leashes, since there’s been some coyotes on the trail near the off leash area. They’d make a quick snack of Bluebelle if they caught her.

But you don’t look sick…

I don’t often talk about having fibromyalgia or the struggles that go with it.  I found this link a couple of years ago, and the first time I read it I cried.  At last, someone had found a way to put into words how I feel so much of the time.  If you haven’t read it, please, do all of us who live with chronic illnesses a favor.  Read the story I have linked at the top of this entry.

It’s so hard to explain to people why you can’t do things.  Especially when they’ve seen you do it before.  They don’t understand that having fibromyalgia is a day by day illness.  Some days you have more energy and you can do a lot.  Other days, you have none and you stay in bed all day.  The real danger is when you have a high energy day, so you overdo things and have to spend the next 3 days in bed.

Fibromyalgia has a special challenge.  One of the absolutely necessities of life with fibromyalgia is exercise.  It helps keep the fatigue at bay and it helps control the pain.  The problem is that there is a very fine line between not enough exercise and too much exercise.  Not enough exercise means a progressive worsening of the fatigue and stamina.  Too much exercise means a major flare that can keep you down for days.  The window of just enough exercise is so incredibly small, it’s very hard to get it right.  Especially when the line isn’t in the same place every day.  It depends on how many “spoons” you have to start with.  You have to know your body, and you have to resist all those around you who think they know better than you.

So, if you have someone in your life who is suffering with a chronic illness, do them a favor and don’t second guess them.  Yes, they need you to be supportive, and they need you to encourage them to do what they need to do deal with the illness.  However, if they tell you they can’t do something, then listen to them.  They live in that body day in and day out.  If they say they can’t….then they probably can’t.  Just love them through it.  It’s what they really need the most.

This entry is for the Weekly Anamnesis.

Surface….

Keep it all under the surface.  Don’t show what you feel.

Don’t cry or I’ll give you something to cry about!  -smack-

Yelling.  Mom’s angry again.  Hide in your room with the pillow over your head so she can’t hear you crying.

Surface, keep it under the surface, don’t show what you feel.

You love him.  You love him so much it hurts inside.  But he doesn’t know.  You can’t show it.

Surface, keep it under the surface, don’t show what you feel.

You stare down into the casket.  You love this woman.  You hate this woman.  You don’t know what you feel.

But you can no longer keep it under the surface.

Finally you cry.