Maritzia’s Thoughts

In other news…did I mention I'm thinking about going back to school to finish my degree? I've been thinking about it for some time, but now that I'm getting my energy back, I'm sort of getting excited about the idea. I figure since I'm working for a university where I can take classes for just $30 each (on a space available basis, granted, but still, it's just $30), I should take advantage of it. So, I applied to enter in the fall. I can take classes without being accepted into the university, but I can't work at a degree unless I'm accepted. So, keep your fingers crossed that I'm accepted. If I'm not, I'll still take classes, because they'll eventually transfer to wherever I end up, but I'd like to have a clear idea of what I'm headed for.

Had another iron treatment this morning, and they drew blood. My hemoglobin is up to 11.2! That's just a little below normal (which is 12), so I think I'm going to be coming to the end of these treatments soon. I see the hematologist next week, and find out where my iron reserves stand. Since those test aren't as fast to run, I didn't get the results this morning. I get the CBC results in about 15 minutes *laughs*. Isn't technology great?

I started a new book this week. It's an Ann Bishop book (thanks for the recommendation, Traelle). Haven't gotten very far into it yet. I'll let you know what I think when I'm done with it. It's not part of the trilogy, but one that was written in, I think, 2001. I just finished the 2nd book in Terry Goodkind's series, but I'm not quite ready to move on the the 3rd yet. I have to have a break between them. They're good books, but very long.

And now, I really need to get some work done!

I like the rough looking guys *laughs*   What can I say, I grew up on John Wayne.

Action movie star You scored 85% masculine, 76% athletic, 72% exotic, and 62% refined!

You love a manly man and you don't have time for boys. You like someone who looks exotic and who takes care of his body and hygiene. That is a good idea in case you are trying to eat jello shooters off of his beautiful 6 pack. Someone like…..Jean-Claude Van Damme, Belgium's hottest export. But let's face it, the whole point of this was to look at a bunch of hot guys. If you liked what you saw, please rate my test!

These types of memethings amuse me.

The Rules:
1. You can only say YES or NO!
2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone comments to the entry and asks.

I've been spending a lot of time updating my website lately, which of course leads me to thinking about religious life.  (For those curious, my website is Consecrated Life, a site for women wanting to become a sister or nun in the Roman Catholic Church).  Many of you may not know this, but I seriously pursued religious life before I met my husband.  I entered one community in the early 90s, but they had some serious problems, and I left before I made vows.  I was going to enter another community in 2002 (The Sisters of St. Rita, a truly lovely community), but then I met my husband.  

Anyway, monastic life has always had a great attraction for me, and I've always thought that if anything ever happens to my husband, I would want to pursue that life again.  Only one small problem…I'm not really Catholic anymore *laughs*.  So my thoughts lately have been centered around the idea of some kind of pagan monastic life.  Women (and/or Men) living together in community, mutually supporting, with some form of daily ritual/prayer.  It's kind of got my thoughts running about how easy it would really be to set up an intentional community.  Heck, it's even an idea that would work with married members as well.  Yes, yes, I know some of you are screaming now…”OMG, she wants to start a commune!”  But truthfully, that's exactly what convents are…communes.  They hold everything in common, and in many communities these days they have shared governence.  The big thing for me, though, isn't so much holding everything in common.  That just helps tie the community together, helps encourage interdependence.  It's the idea of shared daily ritual.  I love ritual, but I'm not much of a solitary practitioner.  You'd think that as a serious introvert, I would be more attuned to solitary prayer and ritual, but it's the one thing that I've never really enjoyed doing on my own.

I think these thoughts have mainly been running around so much lately because it is so hard to find any kind of community in the pagan arena, at least in this area.  I know there are pagans around here, a good number of them, but they all seem to be quite insular.  Except the druids…and I'm not really called to a druid path.  I really like what I've read about the reclaiming tradition, and I know there are reclaimers in the area, but most of them go to Seattle and Vancouver to communities there.  And right now, that trip is too hard…not to mention to expensive, to do on a regular basis for me.  So, for now, I continue on the solitary path….I continue to define my own path…I just miss having company on the journey.

In other news, I applied yesterday to the university where I work…you know…to finish my degree.  As an employee, I can take classes whether I'm accepted or not, but can't work towards my degree here without being accepted.  I've looked into some distance programs, but they are so expensive (most around $200 a credit), and I can take classes here for $30 because I'm a state employee.  So, keep your fingers crossed that they will accept me into the program.  Of course, I'll probably be 60 before I graduate, but what the heck, I'll be 60 whether or not I have the degree.  *grin* I'll be able to retire into a new career.

I've been an INFJ since I was a teenager. However, I used to be right on the cusp between N/S and F/T, but as I get older, I move more and more away from the S and T. I think part of it is getting away from the hard sciences (which so nurture the ST in people) and distancing myself from my Mom over the years. She was such a strong ST (and quite a dysfunctional one). She never understood that I just basically think differently, and I was raised to believe that the way I do things is wrong because it's not how she did things. It took me a long time to embrace my intuitive and feeling sides and not to constantly strive to be what I'm not.

Anway, this is me, and it's a pretty good description, too.

Well, it seems the book discussion group that I was part of before I got sick has decided to keep the group closed, so I can't take it up again. It's one of the big things I was really interested in getting back to. It's pretty much my only social interaction outside of work, and I really enjoyed it while I was part of it. So, I guess I'll be finishing Starhawk's book on my own, and you guys are probably going to have to listen to my musings about what I read. Abandon ship now, while you have a chance *laughs*.

You know, it's really hard to find like minded people to share things like this. So many people are so hard core in one direction or another, that I tend to be uncomfortable in these types of discussions. This group was great. For the most part, everyone was very openminded and willing to share from their different perspectives. I'm going to miss that group.

Boy, did you ask for it *laughs*.

Last week, I ran across this link on Traelle's journal:  http://wgds.blogspot.com/.  I've only read the first entry so far, but it's one that really struck home with me.  One thing that has always puzzled me is why one would want to be spoonfed anything, much less religion.  I was raised Southern Baptist.  One of the main reasons I left the Baptist Church was the strong emphasis on not questioning.  I question everything, it's an integral part of my nature.  I became Catholic because it seemed that the Catholic Church was more open to religious musings than most other Christian denominations (not to mention the fact that I think ritual is one of the most incredible things, something the Baptists have lost, even if they do have really good music).  Then, of course, came John Paul II.  

Now, don't get me wrong.  I think the late pope was a very good man.  I think he had a very deep spirituality.  But he really cracked down on anything he considered dissident.  Which, of course, made me crazy.  And over the years, in my questioning and searching, my beliefs have broadened.  I still consider myself a Christian at some level, but these days I'm at least as much Pagan as I am Christian.

My main problems with the Baptist Church as well as the current Roman Catholic Church (as well as any number of other Christian sects) is this doctrinal dictatorship they want to hold over their members hearts and minds.  For me, religion is about the relationship one has with her Creator.  Whether you call that Creator God, Goddess, Hecate, Jehovah, or whatever name you want to give…whether you consider your God to be a creator or not, it is about the relationship with the divine.  How can you have a relationship, other than a very one-sided, dysfunctional relationship, if there is only take and no give.  There must be communication for a relationship to develop and flourish.

So why would someone want to be in such a relationship as the one that these churches seem to proscribe?  That is what puzzles me.  Why would anyone want to be told what to believe?  That's such a personal thing, your beliefs.  I know most people don't tend to be as introspective as I am, but still, surely they have some desire to know themselves through the eye of the divine?  Don't they?

*shrugs* Maybe not.  And I still don't understand it.

I've been busy so far…but it's getting on to 11:00 and I'm starting to get pretty tired *laughs*. I'm not used to this much thinking so early in the day. I guess it will take me a while to get back into the swing of things. And I'm *really* hungry. I mean, really hungry. That bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats I had this morning is long gone. I can't wait for lunch.

I've been perusing my friends' friends lists. I always enjoy finding new people to read the journals of. I like to live vicariously through them. Anyway, I ran across one thing that was talking about spirituality, and it dawned on me that I never really talk about that here, even though it's a pretty big part of who I am. So, look forward to my occasional spiritual musings in the future. At the moment I'm too tired to write much (*laughs* damn them for actually expecting me to work for a living).

Oh, and a new link for the day: http://www.whatshouldireadnext.com. I've thoroughly enjoyed the site this morning. I'm always on the lookout for new books to read. Thanks to airforcebrat for that one.

He’ll decide when I can go back to work. On the one hand, I wouldn’t mind having a little extra time. My energy levels, while greatly improved, still have a ways to go. On the other hand, though, I’m out of leave time and have no guarantee of getting further donations of leave through the shared leave program. So obviously, I’ve been stressing myself out worrying about it *laughs*. I think I’ve put myself into a fibromyalgia flare, because I’ve been hurting all week, I’m not sleeping worth shit, and my IBS has been really mean to me this week. Well, I’ll see the doctor this morning and let him decide and leave the rest in the hands of the Gods.

In other news, Mark and I finally sat down with his mother and told her that she is really, really depressed, and that she had been for years, not just the last couple of months. She thinks that just because it’s only in the last month or two that she hasnt’ been able to cope that that is when the depression started *laughs*. But, we really got through to her. Mark and I both talked about our own experiences with depression and coping with abuse. Man, that woman’s life makes mine look like the Brady bunch. Being abandoned by her parents when they escaped from East Germany, left with an abusive grandmother, escaping East Germany herself just to have her parents send her back, escaping again after her brother was tortured to death by the KGB while she and her sister were listening to it, almost dieing of meningitis, marrying an alcoholic, paranoid, narcissitic,sociopathic schizophrenic, escaping from that with her 3 kids, then marrying a total narcissist that she waited on hand and foot who eventually left her for another woman. Let me tell you, if anyone has a right to be depressed it’s this woman. And we told her that. So she promised she’s going to talk to her doctor this week about meds. She wouldn’t promise anything about therapy, but I think once she’s on meds that work, she’ll be able to cope better with the thought of working out some of her issues. She’s really a sweetheart of a woman and deserves to let herself be happy.

Other than that, not much happening. Mark and I have been playing a lot of Shards of Dalaya and thoroughly enjoying ourselves. They haven’t trivialized the low end game like EQ, so it’s a lot of fun starting new characters. I’ve got a druid/warrior combo who are 22/19 respectively. If anyone joins, look for Marydale and Marybell.

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Author: Torpid A.I.
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